I've Had Some Crazy Ideas...But THIS?

Last year I had an idea...

I would tie together two of my passions: futbol and cycling.

I would work with DC United, Sporting Kansas City, and the Columbus Crew to do a cancer charity ride.

I would ride from RFK to Livestrong Sporting Park, via Columbus Crew stadium.

I would seek sponsorship for the logistics, and I would raise money, splitting the donations 50/50 between Livestrong, Pelotonia, and (yet-to-be-determined Washington, DC-based cancer-related charity).

It would take place during the summer, and I would time my Kansas City arrival to coincide with a DC United match.

That proposal exists. I can link to it.

So, why mention it now?

There's a fine line between madness and genius.

These guys are straddling that line with their perineums.

Two non-cyclists are pedaling their way from Manassas, VA to Green Bay, Wisconsin.

It's for a good cause. (You can follow their descent into madness.)

Now. (January.)

Timing their arrival for the NFC Championship game.

There's only one problem (well, actually, there are scores of problems...). The Packers lost. The game is in San Francisco.

There's a fine line between euphoria and dispair.

These guys are straddling it with their souls.

Kust m'n kloete!

Ouch! OUCH!
Kust m'n kloete!

We Interrupt These Pelotonia Proceedings...with a bit of humor.

I'm dutifully writing and preparing posts to continue the Pelotonia 2011 story; but I need a quick break!

So, here's a quickie... You can't make this stuff up!

Boonen Suffering from Open Groin Wound

“I suffer from an injury to the scrotum....There is a hole....I got a 'second skin', and glued it at times to a kind of diaper. The perineum, the area between the scrotum and the anus, is simply the most delicate part of the body."

I know a little about that area—being a guy and a testicular cancer survivor. I feel his pain!

Yep, it's a little sensitive down there!

Boonen's racing in the Vuelta a Espana, preparing for the World Championships. He's a tough bastard (and a funny one!); you have to admire his tenacity. He could have abandoned the race, but he didn't. He finished last in the time trial, but he's still in the race.

Chapeau, M. Boonen!

In a Lighter Tone...

NOT his seatpost (but you get the idea...)

A fellow on my team had a problem, and he posted it to our team mail list:

The glue that holds my seatpost onto the part that lets you adjust the seat has worn out and I can take it apart. Should I reglue it and with what or should I buy a new seatpost?

You can imagine the responses. Here was mine:

Ellicott City, MD
Sunday, August 29, 2010
For immediate release...

An Ellicott City man was admitted to Howard County General Hospital this morning with a rare and unsettling case of cycleous anus insertus irreversus. The CDC has been alerted, and the ward is under quarantine.

The man, Christopher Hilfiger, a middle-aged cycling enthusiast and noted collector of imported beers and obscure bicycle parts, is reported to be in serious, but stable, condition.

Cycleous anus insertus irreversus only manifests when certain two-wheeled transportation devices come into contact with the human perineum, while in the presence of high tensile-strength bonding materials. Under these conditions a most horrid confluence of man and machine occurs, where the bicycle is no longer removable from the (deleted for propriety's sake!).

One complicating factor—rumored to have occurred—is the influence of methane gas upon the bonding materials. Mr. Hilfiger's flatulence, it seems, caused additional chemical reactions to occur. Biochemists on the scene recounted their wonder.

According to Dr. I. Rather Schtinky: "We've never witnessed quite such a collection of volatile materials in open space. Usually, such toxins are released only under tightly-controlled laboratory conditions. It's a wonder he's alive!"

The victim—unable to comment due to the aluminum tube thrusting out of his gullet—has been communicating with medical personnel by assorted grunts and a deep, resonating chime, reminiscent of a tubular bell....

The best response from the list was from Dr. Bill (anesthesiologist, RAAM veteran, and endurance/adventure racer):

One thing I will never forget, while Ray was having surgery on his clavicle. A nurse said to me afterward, "are all cyclists that funny when they are on morphine"?

Musings on Why I Shave (Or, Jens Voigt Is a Hard Man )

2010 Paris-Nice, Stage 3: Jens Voigt takes the yellow jersey, symbolizing his lead in this important early-season test...

Meh.

Jens Voigt is happy in yellow⇒

Stage 3, 2010 Paris-Nice: Jens Voigt, victim of a devastating, stomach-churning, oh-my-god-how-did-he-survive-that crash in the 2009 Tour de France, takes the yellow jersey—symbolizing his lead in this important early-season test—completing his return to professional racing.

Wow!

Hard Men

Sure, cyclists look like peacocks in their brightly-colored, skin-tight clothing. Yes, they shave their legs.

But if you ever thought that cyclists were wimps, consider Jens.

Ouch ⇒

Last July he face-planted on a descent during The Tour. He skidded on his nose and cheek at more than 40 mph. He lost consciousness for several minutes as rescuers stabilized him, waiting for an emergency helicopter.

Today, he is moving and shaking up the peloton at the ripe age of 38. He did not win Paris-Nice, but he served notice that he will be in the mix, supporting Andy Schlek in the 2010 tour.

Vinnie Jones, ya got nuthin'!

Road Rash

Recently, I was asked : "why do cyclists shave their legs?"

I cannot answer for others; but for me, I shave because of road rash.

Crashing is a part of your life as a cyclist. You will fall. Accept it.

I'm sure the umbrella had nothing to do with it...⇒

In 2009 I had two significant crashes. The first was in March. It tore the skin from a 6-in. x 6-in. patch on my right hip. A year later, my hip is still purple from the scar. The second was in June. It sliced a 4-in. x 4-in hole into my left hip. A year later? Not-so purple.

The difference? Shaving.

Shaving

My legs were fabulously furry when I crashed in March. It was too early in the season, I told myself.

After a month of pulling bandages off that road rash, I was ready to shave. The wound hurt; the healing was excruciating. And the effing tape was a tear-jerker (literally!).

So, I discovered the wonders of Nair for Men.

In a future post I will regale you with the wonders of "shaving"⇒

Fast-forward.

When I crashed in June, my legs were sleek, smooth, and well-moisturized. When I hit the deck, I slid. No hair gripped the road. And when it came time to bandage and recover, everything was easier. I healed faster, and there was less scarring.

Thus, the question is answered:

• It's not for looks.
• It's not for aerodynamics.
• It's not fetishistic.

I shave to save my skin!