Building

This is hard: starting, building, making…

Every step forward costs three steps sideways, a shuffle back, a dip, a spin, and a dodge.

Every decision begets another. Each new decision takes research, perspective, understanding, vetting, guts.

Decisions beget decisions with no map, only choices.

Where are the cul-de-sacs? The pocket circles that spin me, disorienting.

Where are the dead-ends?

Where are the paths that reveal vistas? Alternates unexpected. Sidetracks delaying, enlightening. 

Where are those moments, insights, connections that spark creativity’s flow?

I long for them. It’s where I need to be.

My nerves ablaze, abuzz, vibrating at ear-whine frequency. Constant caffeine courses through me. Shattered sleep fails to refresh. Dreams ebb, flowing into and out of reality—tidal.

My nights are not peace. 

Nor are my days.

How much time do I have left?

What do I want?

What can I get done?

Ever the vapor trail, roaring at inception…fading away.

Now, clarity. I sense more than I see: I want more. To be more. To do more.

And I hurt. And I doubt. I'm damaged. And I pause. And…

I want more.

Life.

Live it.

What will be will be what will be.

I’ve got this.