Even When You Don't Want To

0450...The alarm blares.

Grunting, I reach over and slap it. Silent, again.

"I don't want to," I think to myself.

"Un-huh," I respond.

And so it begins—a ten minute conversation, a debate, really. Spirited. Passionate. All with my eyes closed.

Should I Stay, or Should I Go?

It's Thursday morning—bike commute day. It's the one day each week that logistics are not a barrier to riding. Normally I vegetate (or write this blog) on a commuter bus (like right now). But Thursdays are glorious!

It's such an opportunity! Decent mileage (~25 miles each way), varied terrain, a plethora of cyclist-assault vehicles (read: traffic). What's not to like?

Well, a lot, actually. Especially on this morning.

I'm tired.



And the pillow feels good.

And the ceiling fan is bathing me with luscious, cool air.

And my pillow really feels good.

And it's 0454 in the morning!

And it's already 80 degrees with 90% humidity!

...And the debate continues.

Schizophrenic?

Doesn't everyone talk to themselves—silently? Don't we all have inner dialogues?

I do—constantly. Hell, you're reading a manifestation of that habit. Who's the audience for this blog? Seriously, for whom do I write?

0458..the debate continues...

I need sleep. I need a workout. I haven't slept well in two days. I had two days of low-or-no workout—I missed my normal Two-a-Day Tuesday (I only led spin class) and I completely missed running Wednesday (it was 100 degrees in DC).

Sleep? Workout. Sleep. Workout! SLEEP! Workout.

0500, My feet hit the floor. I enter the bathroom. I pull on socks. I start to pull on bibs. I knock on Mother Nature's door. She answers.

As I sit there, eyes closed, swaying from fatigue, the debate continues.

Sleep. Dress. Sleeeeeep. Dress!

And it hits me: the moment of clarity; the why.

Like a beam of sunlight, the answer is revealed. The decision? So obvious, so clear, so absolute that the entire process now seems a farce—an exercise in cliché.

It's time to ride.

Why?

Because if I don't, I will be so pissed off at myself that I will be an insufferable bastard all day!

And no one...no one! Especially me!...will want to be anywhere near my smoldering glower, my feral snarl, or my vicious bite.

And if I ride, I may suffer, I may pant and wheeze and groan and complain. But come the shining of the sun and the bustle of my urban morning, I'll be happy.

So that's why I ride.

Epilogue

Friday morning.

0515...The alarm blares.

Grunting, I reach over and slap it. Silent, again.

"I don't want to," I think to myself.

"Un, huh," I respond.

You know how this ends...

Makeover!

Why's he rolling his eyes?
REDHEAD!
Where's my redhead?

It was time.

After a long hiatus, I'm back.

But you already knew that...

And in coming back, I took a hard look at this blog and realized that it needed a makeover. I wanted it to look a little lighter (Don't get me wrong, I still love black!), and I wanted more functionality. I also wanted to get the old banner out. I love Rapha—dearly! But I needed to step out from behind its style shadow and become my own person.

And I love yellow. In all its flavors. It just happens to be the iconic color of cycling and anti-cancer advocacy.

So, here we are. New skin and new toys!

• You can easily share posts to Facebook or Twitter (so I might increase my readership from three—thanks Betsy, Mickie, and Scott!—to...say...five!).
  
• Comments SHOULD work (I realize there was in issue with the former design that caused problems with comments. It frustrated one of my three readers. For that, I am eternally sorry!)
  
• You can subscribe! (Crazy as that sounds...)

Mandatory image of a reptile
shedding its skin!

I also did some clean-up with the "Labels" ("Tags", to the rest of us) to make it easier to reference you favorite posts from the past...or the future, when it becomes the past...because, after all, this is a living blog...it was just hibernating...


Let me know what you think. I might even suggest that you try to leave a comment (Gasp!) or share a post (No way!).

In other words, share and enjoy! (read: please be my beta-testers!)

And as a parting gift...

I kicked the habit...Shed my skin
This is the new stuff I go dancing in...

Building Volume

On August 20, 2011, I will be riding with thousands of others in Pelotonia 2011.

Last year I was a top 20 finisher, completing the course in less than five hours.

This year I want to do better. My goals, for now, remain mine. I'm not yet ready to share them!

I've ridden a lot this spring. Tuesdays I lead my spin class and then have my local group ride—two high-intensity workouts in a day. My Thursday commute into DC gives me a solid 50+ miles, of varying intensity and anxiety. Heavy on the anxiety. (All the near-misses are getting to me.)

I've also been triathlon training. Swim and run workouts fill the gaps (and make me tired).

But I haven't been building volume.

Getting Miles into My Legs

Hairless! Hooray!

I miss my long rides.

This is the time of year when honeysuckle and other early-summer flowers sweeten the air. It's a time for re-connection—with myself and with nature. It's a time for leg shaving and chamois cream. It's riding time!

I have the short stuff wired. I can ride in the pack, take long pulls, and have something in the tank for the sprint finish. As long as we're done in less than two hours.

So, it's time to get the miles into the legs. Not the high-intensity miles I will do in late July and early August—filled with hill repeats and sprint intervals. Nope. Now is the time for the five-to-six hour rides that build foundation.

Sunday was the first of these rides. Eighty-five miles. Five hours. Six thousand feet of climbing.

It was a pleasant start. Atmosphere was cool and moist, but not rainy. The overnight sheen remained on many of the roads. Deer and groundhogs everywhere. Birds singing. Nice.


I was riding solo. Nice.

I had a few issues. Between miles 42 and 45 I was shagged. I topped off my fuel and got my spirit back. Same again at mile 62. I need to be more conscious of my eating!

As I came into the home stretch, I put in a hard effort (as is my tradition). It felt good. I felt the power from my entire leg—bone deep.

Going deep is deeply satisfying. (I know, that was lame...but how else would you describe it?) It triggers hard-to acquire endorphins. It reminds you of how much work you have done. It inspires you to do more. It's truly a hard place to get to, but if you can get there, it's powerful juju.

I plan to revisit this weekend.

And the next.

And the next.

It's my training. It's my pleasure. It's real.

I'm getting ready.

Why Haven't You Written?

It's not you, it's me! I hope we can still be friends! 
I just needed space. Time. Change. I was suffocating...

That's all sort-of true. If I am to be honest...yep..it's all about me.

Why This Blog Has Been Dormant

• I was angry with Pelotonia
• I have had a difficult year
• I lost the habit

Chronologically, that's the proper order. But I'll start at the end. I think the Pelotonia post should have some space of its own.

I Lost the Habit

Thirty days, the saying goes. It takes 30 days to make a habit.

So, NOT writing a blog for 30 days...you get the picture.
Why didn't I write?

Writing a blog is a labor of love. It takes time; but time isn't the issue. We all can make time for the things we love. The issue is...honesty.

I am blessed with 437 sisters in law. One of these lovely ladies had once expressed interest in writing a blog, but she was having problems answering the writer's eternal question: what do I have to say?

I completely understood. It took me years to start a blog. Every time I thought I had something worth "publishing", I decided it was fatuous. At best. At worst? I shudder...

When I started Wheelsucker Diaries, however, I felt I had found the magical "it". It felt right. It matured. I invested a lot of me into it. Indeed, it had become a facet of me.

We all have our online personas—our doppelgangers (I daren't write "avatar" anymore...thanks James Cameron...you bastard.). There's a Facebook me who is different from my LinkedIn me. And the Wheelsucker Diaries me is another...

And it is the one most like me. It's the one where I occasionally go deep.

And that's why I lost the habit: I had to stop going deep.

I Have Had a Difficult Year

Writing a blog is a labor of love. Damn, I already wrote that.

When I write these posts  I am vigilant. To be successful, Wheelsucker Diaries must pass my sniff test. If I sense that I am BS-ing myself, I know I've failed. Plenty of failed posts have made it into my "drafts" folder. Some escaped—having been revisited and re-tooled. Others will never see the light of day.

A Necessary Digression...

I just re-read Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. As in most cases, the novella is far more interesting and subtle than the movies. You know the general story—what with the potion and the changing into an "evil" man. What is forgotten is that Hyde is a distillation of the evils within Jekyll. In other words, Hyde is a part of the larger, benevolent man. As it happens, the evil takes over, but Jekyll is not "good". He is a composite of both good and evil—as are we all.

Back to our Narrative...

I have been dealing with my own Hyde—and a few other things. In short, this has been a psychologically trying time for me and my family (particularly BCB and the LAs*). It's exhausting.

I am continuing on my path; and we are continuing on our path as a family. We are facing the new challenges as they arise, and as we learn from our histories.

When I tried to write I was failing. I had lost my voice.

When you don't like yourself, you don't like your reflection.

I was disgusted. I would read my drafts and (metaphorically) crumple the paper with disdain: violence.

My prose was either dishonest, or I couldn't stand to read the ramblings of the author. I thought he was crap. A fraud. A poseur.

I Got a Call from an Old Friend...

...And as it happens, I am in a better place.

Things happen for a reason. Had that email come to me a week ago, I would not have been ready.

But it came today. And today I can start afresh.

So here we are. Back together again.

I hope you're ready.

I have a lot to say...

*
BCB = Beautiful and Charming Bride
LAs = Little Angels (my daughters)

Got a call...

Got an email from an old friend, we used to be real close...

Actually, it was an email. Here's the text:

Wheelsucker Diaries....
Dude...what's up???  There ain't no recent posts!  But we've already done
the spring classics and the Giro!

And my response:

So many answers to that question...
I have been meaning to contact you...

Looks like I've got some 'splaining to do...