Why Haven't You Written?

It's not you, it's me! I hope we can still be friends! 
I just needed space. Time. Change. I was suffocating...

That's all sort-of true. If I am to be honest...yep..it's all about me.

Why This Blog Has Been Dormant

• I was angry with Pelotonia
• I have had a difficult year
• I lost the habit

Chronologically, that's the proper order. But I'll start at the end. I think the Pelotonia post should have some space of its own.

I Lost the Habit

Thirty days, the saying goes. It takes 30 days to make a habit.

So, NOT writing a blog for 30 days...you get the picture.
Why didn't I write?

Writing a blog is a labor of love. It takes time; but time isn't the issue. We all can make time for the things we love. The issue is...honesty.

I am blessed with 437 sisters in law. One of these lovely ladies had once expressed interest in writing a blog, but she was having problems answering the writer's eternal question: what do I have to say?

I completely understood. It took me years to start a blog. Every time I thought I had something worth "publishing", I decided it was fatuous. At best. At worst? I shudder...

When I started Wheelsucker Diaries, however, I felt I had found the magical "it". It felt right. It matured. I invested a lot of me into it. Indeed, it had become a facet of me.

We all have our online personas—our doppelgangers (I daren't write "avatar" anymore...thanks James Cameron...you bastard.). There's a Facebook me who is different from my LinkedIn me. And the Wheelsucker Diaries me is another...

And it is the one most like me. It's the one where I occasionally go deep.

And that's why I lost the habit: I had to stop going deep.

I Have Had a Difficult Year

Writing a blog is a labor of love. Damn, I already wrote that.

When I write these posts  I am vigilant. To be successful, Wheelsucker Diaries must pass my sniff test. If I sense that I am BS-ing myself, I know I've failed. Plenty of failed posts have made it into my "drafts" folder. Some escaped—having been revisited and re-tooled. Others will never see the light of day.

A Necessary Digression...

I just re-read Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. As in most cases, the novella is far more interesting and subtle than the movies. You know the general story—what with the potion and the changing into an "evil" man. What is forgotten is that Hyde is a distillation of the evils within Jekyll. In other words, Hyde is a part of the larger, benevolent man. As it happens, the evil takes over, but Jekyll is not "good". He is a composite of both good and evil—as are we all.

Back to our Narrative...

I have been dealing with my own Hyde—and a few other things. In short, this has been a psychologically trying time for me and my family (particularly BCB and the LAs*). It's exhausting.

I am continuing on my path; and we are continuing on our path as a family. We are facing the new challenges as they arise, and as we learn from our histories.

When I tried to write I was failing. I had lost my voice.

When you don't like yourself, you don't like your reflection.

I was disgusted. I would read my drafts and (metaphorically) crumple the paper with disdain: violence.

My prose was either dishonest, or I couldn't stand to read the ramblings of the author. I thought he was crap. A fraud. A poseur.

I Got a Call from an Old Friend...

...And as it happens, I am in a better place.

Things happen for a reason. Had that email come to me a week ago, I would not have been ready.

But it came today. And today I can start afresh.

So here we are. Back together again.

I hope you're ready.

I have a lot to say...

*
BCB = Beautiful and Charming Bride
LAs = Little Angels (my daughters)