So, How Are You Doing?

A lot of kind friends have asked me this question recently. Here is a quick update…

I had a CT scan in January. The tumor appears to have reduced in size in two of three dimensions. The other was larger. Since it is soft tissue, it makes sense that it could have changed shape. The good news is that no other tumors were spotted. Other than that, it was a good CT…no news is good news.

I am still recovering from chemo. I have neuropathy in my toes and fingers. Sometimes I get befuddled. I no longer get the seizure-like brain shocks that were so debilitating during the first three weeks post-hospital. Even so, my brain has distinct limits. More than one source of stimulus is almost impossible to handle. I cannot easily read. I absolutely cannot read and listen to music simultaneously.

My sense of taste is coming back. Chocolate still is a bit…odd. Most other foods are fine. Plain water makes my stomach churn—this is psychosomatic from my time in the hospital.

I sleep better now. I feel I have mostly de-toxed, so I am no longer waking in deep pools of sweat. And when I awaken, I know where I am. That’s a good thing.

I have pain. The tumor hurts. Certain movements let me know with absolute assurance that there is something wrong.

I’m weak, but I’m stubborn, so I do too much. Think snowshoveling. Think sledding. Then think sleep and ibuprofen.

I’m weak, and sometimes things go wrong. I’ll be walking along, and my legs will declare that they are quite done with walking, thank you very much, “so we’ll wobble a bit and freak you out”. Yeah, it’s fun. It’s also why I will walk with a cane, even though I seem OK. At any moment, things won’t be ok.

And that’s the gist of it: at any moment things won’t be OK. And it definitely freaks me out.

Emotionally, I’m on a roller coaster and I’m trying to keep the brakes applied as much as possible, while at the same time allowing it to run. It’s a delicate balance, and it’s not for the faint of heart. It’s also not something for a person who does not live alone. If there is a good part of my isolation, it is that I am learning to (cope, manage, function, thrive) on my own.

Spiritually, I’m learning to let go. It’s not easy. I don’t care about a lot of the things I did in former times. Some things that linger shouldn’t. Others should. I’m working through which is which. It gets confusing.

And that’s another gist…there’s a lot of confusion and uncertainty; l am learning to live with it.

Whether I like it or not, it is what I need to do.

I do eat too much—of the wrong things. That’s my primary vice. My other is that I long for a partner.

I’m also dealing with a lot of fear. I’m writing another post about that. Stay tuned.

At the moment I am without much humor. Hope is assumed, not “hopeful”. Positivity does not reign.
There’s a lot of “getting on with getting on” in my world.

The Little Angels are what keep my head. Time with them is precious. I know it.

So, that’s the quick update. Nothing poetic or prosaic. It is what it is…

…for now.