In a Lighter Tone...

NOT his seatpost (but you get the idea...)

A fellow on my team had a problem, and he posted it to our team mail list:

The glue that holds my seatpost onto the part that lets you adjust the seat has worn out and I can take it apart. Should I reglue it and with what or should I buy a new seatpost?

You can imagine the responses. Here was mine:

Ellicott City, MD
Sunday, August 29, 2010
For immediate release...

An Ellicott City man was admitted to Howard County General Hospital this morning with a rare and unsettling case of cycleous anus insertus irreversus. The CDC has been alerted, and the ward is under quarantine.

The man, Christopher Hilfiger, a middle-aged cycling enthusiast and noted collector of imported beers and obscure bicycle parts, is reported to be in serious, but stable, condition.

Cycleous anus insertus irreversus only manifests when certain two-wheeled transportation devices come into contact with the human perineum, while in the presence of high tensile-strength bonding materials. Under these conditions a most horrid confluence of man and machine occurs, where the bicycle is no longer removable from the (deleted for propriety's sake!).

One complicating factor—rumored to have occurred—is the influence of methane gas upon the bonding materials. Mr. Hilfiger's flatulence, it seems, caused additional chemical reactions to occur. Biochemists on the scene recounted their wonder.

According to Dr. I. Rather Schtinky: "We've never witnessed quite such a collection of volatile materials in open space. Usually, such toxins are released only under tightly-controlled laboratory conditions. It's a wonder he's alive!"

The victim—unable to comment due to the aluminum tube thrusting out of his gullet—has been communicating with medical personnel by assorted grunts and a deep, resonating chime, reminiscent of a tubular bell....

The best response from the list was from Dr. Bill (anesthesiologist, RAAM veteran, and endurance/adventure racer):

One thing I will never forget, while Ray was having surgery on his clavicle. A nurse said to me afterward, "are all cyclists that funny when they are on morphine"?